Our culture today normalizes mental illness instead of trying to help people be healed and free from it. It’s despicable how people are now more interested in the destruction of society for their own gain. These people DO NOT care about us! They want nothing more for us to be so deprived and sick that we cannot stand up and fight back against what they are pushing But I say enough! Today I am sharing for the first time my mental illness story and my deliverance. This is such a powerful story that I hope with all my heart helps many people. Understand that God is a deliverer, a healing and a chain breaker! You don’t have to live in those chains all of your life and I hope that one day you will also have a deliverance story. Let’s normalize healing, peace and power of the Holy Spirit!
A new day brings new Joy! I’m sure you all know by now that Roe v Wade has been overturned! Let us celebrate but also remember that there is still more work to do in our communities. If anything we need more people to spread the truth of the dangers of abortion and the abundance that comes with choosing life for their children!
In today’s episode I am talking about what it means to be the true church and why we need to leave behind our denominational beliefs and live in faith on biblical truth only. We touch base on the first part or race in this season and we talk more about it later in the podcast. There is a trend concerning race I’m un happy about. Despite many efforts from the Christian community and conservatives to be color blind, people are allowing their race to be the forefront of their identity.
Click the links or photos below to watch or listen in!
After I had my son, whom I thought then would be my final child, I started to hunger for a deeper understanding for what womanhood in Christ really was. Keeping house, submitting to my husband and serving in my church and community, seemed to be what I found every where I searched for this wisdom. But I did all those things and yet who I was as a woman never surfaced inside of me. You see, I had no women to tell me or show me what womanhood was. All my life I longed for an older women to pass on her wisdom to me as I rapidly grew from little girl to young lady in a blink of an eye. To my dismay all the women in my life either abused me, abandoned me or just simply forgot about me.
After becoming a mother and years of healing that lead to many dilverances, I looked to the word of God. I started where a large majority of Christian women are referred to when seeking out this very wisdom, Proverbs 31:10 The Wife Of Noble Character. And although the scripture paints a beautiful description of a women whom embodies virtue, I felt that it isn’t at all what womanhood really is.
My first thought was Eve herself. When I decided to look at Eve I realized, well there’s not much to see. We don’t know nearly as much as I would love to know about both Adam and Eve. I’m nosy that way. So I reread the small part of her story over and over again. Moving onto other scripture sometimes and coming back to hers, and then one day, something captured my attention.
Whats in a name?
“Adam named his wife Eve, because she would become the mother of all living”
In Genesis 3:20 I notice the first clue about Eve. She didn’t choose her name, but Adam did. I saw the pure reasons why Adam may have given her that name. With my whole heart I believe that he saw her for more than just a partner, a helper or someone he would be intimate with, he saw her as life itself in the flesh. Her name alone must have reminded her every day of the power she held. That power was given to her graciously from her Creator. Despite her betrayal, He made her to do only what He can do and that is the power to create and give life. That humbled my heart. God gave such a magnificent piece of Himself to women what does that say about me as a woman?
Realizing this gave me an appreciation for the fact that I as a women, hold such a powerful gift that no man could ever do, the gift to give life. Not just in child bearing but in heart, body and spirit. It created instantly a pride in me I never possessed before not even after I birthed my own children. Every time I choose to love and nurture another human being on earth I am naturally able to spark life into them. The moment I speak up for the lost and choose to love the broken, life is being created, through love, with each word, and each action.
That’s why its much more natural for us to do because it’s apart of who we are! That was the moment I saw differently how I could impact my household as well. By embracing this gift in me I now know how to pray over myself and my family in times of much needed spiritual warfare. Who says we’re not super woman? Okay maybe not that one but you know what I mean.
The Breath of Life
“With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man.” Later she gave birth to her brother Abel.
After reading this scripture in Genesis 4:1-2, I realized Eve knew who her God. She knew that He was her helper and her strength but she also knew by the birth of Abel, that God held their very life in His hands. Abel’s name has been said to mean “Breath” now I believe that’s exactly what it means. But every where I have researched it says his name was given, because like a breath he would not live long. I am not going to go into a rant on that vague speculation. But what I do know is that Eve knew how her own existence came into being.
I know good and well that child birth can give you a whole new perspective on life. It’s terrifying at worse and humbling all around. And I am sure once she went through it under the curse for the second time she knew that God is the giver of life and therefore named her son after the same Spirit that was breathed into her as well. Therefore his name most likely means “Breath” not because of a short life but because of the Life Giver.
Eve knew who her God was and that in Him, He creates life, death, darkness and light. He is able to save and He is able to destroy and there was nothing she went through that had not already passed through His hands. He’s got her back! Though Eve was a woman created to give and create life, she knew that without her God none of it would be possible. These two powerful lessons are the first I have learned about who God made me as a women.
I may have inherited a fallen flesh, but I am a Queen forevermore redeem by my Savior, restored to my former glory through the Creator.
I hold the power of life within myself and I am able to bring that life into my arms and in the world around me.
A power that creates love, unity and justice that leads to humble hearts and stories of forgiveness.
That same power allows me to be the head and never the tail. And to have full authority over everything God places into my hands.
It gives me the ability to no longer be the victim, but the warrior that fights for the freedom of others leading them to their own victory.
All of this is what Eve taught me and the Holy Spirit gave me. This is the woman that God sent his son to die on the cross so that we may be restored back to. Daughters of Zion behold your God and let Him bring you into true womanhood!
Last year I turned 30 years old and boy was I excited! I remember when I was a little girl, I always said that my 30’s would be my golden years. I had goals guys, big dreams and big goals. I wanted to be settled down, in my life, in myself and better off than what I was raised in. And I can proudly say that I have achieved that in many different ways. But my plans changed over the years, about 100 times as they do when your young. But as I got to know the real me, I realized that there was much more to womanhood than I knew.
I created the section I Am Woman here on my blog, to share the journey I have had as a christian women in today’s society. A place where I can unload as I continue this journey of womanhood that will go with me even into eternity. I will always be evolving and growing as a women of God and I have daily struggles that will help create the future me. I hope it inspires and blesses all who come across these posts and as always these are my opinions and thoughts. They are meant to encourage and to be shared so if your going through what I am, you know you’re not alone. I can’t promise what’s to come because honestly I don’t know. I will do my best to remain true to my heart and I will always be on the side of truth. May you, through my testimony and God’s love, come to do the same
Daughters of Zion let us all remember that the God of our youth, the God of our being and the God of our hearts, Loves us, Sees us, Hears us and Knows us.
Christmas for my family and I hold a very different meaning than it does for the Christian community and the world. My husband was raised in all the traditions of Christmas, pagan and Christian both but I was not raised to think one way or another about it. I come from a traumatizing past, so I have said, but what I have not told you is that it was not always that way.
When I was first adopted it had seemed I finally found a place to belong after years in foster care. We moved twice and the second time would become my very first home. The last peaceful memories I had in that house was of Christmas. I had no idea I was not alone there. My brothers said that was the same for them. Christmases continued for a little while even during the abuse. At one point I believed in Santa Clause. No one really taught me to in my home but there was enough in the world to encourage my beliefs. I eventually found out about Santa, and it broke my heart and angered me for many years. No one likes to be deceived. But it was not those things that made Christmas special in my heart. It was not the story of the birth of Christ and it was not the Christmas lights that stilled my soul. It was the only time abuse did not happen. It was the only time of the year I experienced peace ,rest and joy.
When my first born was born I began to think seriously about why and how we celebrate every holiday. It took us years to sift through everything but we now have come to a conclusion. My husband had his own experiences and he too wanted to do things differently for his children. We began to think “What do we want to sow into our children in these early years and what will it produce in them in their present and one day future?”
Christmas began to be our focus holiday because if we were going to celebrate something we should know the truth about it. We learned that Paganism is closely tied to the origins of Christmas in the church and at one point there was no Christmas at all. We found no mention in the Word to celebrate the birth of Christ only to remember His sacrifice in frequent communion. We read about the pagan rituals the birthed the songs and things we use every Christmas in our house hold. In the end we were mortified by everything we found and decided we would not celebrate it religiously but in a different way.
We rarely use the word celebrate and now instead treat it as any other season of the year.
When I was researching I found something that brought up my memories of Christmas to the fore front of my mind. I watched a video on Christmas in Europe and was intrigued by the history of it there. There was no such thing as Christmas at one time but they treated it as a seasonal time of family togetherness, thankfulness, rest and goodwill. This is exactly what Christmas is now for our clan. We still hang up the tree, stockings, garland and decorate the house with lights. In the corner of our T.V stand you will find a nativity that is specially set up by only me every season. But there are no Christmas beliefs tied to any of it. We just want to create an environment of comfort and Joy.
I will always remember how I felt those winter months sitting on the couch with my brothers. The feelings of peace and safety were such a gift to me that no toy ever gave. I watch my babies every year light up with wonder and when I asked them this year what they like most about this season, I was surprised by the answer. My Izabella looked up with those brown eyes and a smile and said “I love that we are together and we can snuggle.” My cup runneth over.
Tuesday night my husband and I were doing one of our favorite things. Whispering about the things of God in the night as our little ones begin to fall asleep. My husband mentioned something Dr. Tony Evans said that is so true. If we could have a do over and change the things we did or get away from the people we should have never been around, we would be farther in our relationship with God than we are now. Although I am not in the habit of thinking on “wisha couldas” I can see the wisdom here and have the humbleness to realize that our past can help change us for a better future. I also know to be true that not every mistake was meant to be made in order for me to grow. I have made many that I know for a fact I never had to go through in order to learn a lesson. I do well to remember that but I am human. Stuff happens.
I have been listening to the Tony Evans series called “Taking God Seriously”. It has confirmed everything I have been hearing the Lord speak to me about these last 5 years. Almost 3 years ago I began walking away from everyone I knew in order to be closer to the Lord on a deeper level and fully follow Him. I am guilty of putting myself and people above God. Meaning I have ignored the scriptures telling me how important it was to be separate from those who do not follow the ways of the Lord (2 Corinthians 6:14- 18). I listened to the Church’s lies shaming me for only allowing those in Christ in my inner circle believing I was wrong instead of asking God what He had to say about it.
Until I gave up and laid all of it at His feet.
Are we really willing to lay it all down? Are we really ready to walk away from everything and give up what we think we know? Has your Abraham moment come upon you? Have you been called into a foreign land? Away from it all. Have you been spoken to of promises yet to come? Have you taken the only thing that you love more than anything on this earth and laid it on the altar? Are you ready to end it for the sake of growing closer to Him?
If you’re in an Abraham season know that the Lord will restore, renew, redeem, provide and give you everything He has promised. While you wait on those promises to come full circle keep your eyes OPEN and listen to the voice of the spirit. Obey Him in faith and He will come through.
For those who have yet to enter into this truth.
I know it’s hard to understand at first. It’s how we are raised. It’s how the world teaches us. It’s about you and what you can do. You have the power to do great things. You have the power to change the world. Let’s get real.. I have never had the power and never have you. And I no longer want to be in control. I have learned it is not my duty to bring people to salvation not even my own children. That is all up to them and Lord. I don’t have to put myself in situations or around people who will hinder my walk with God in order for them to see the love of Christ. The word says that creation alone is evidence to His existence and love. It also prophesies that after Christ’s death, the Holy Spirit ministers to all men unbelieving and believing. My main focus is to grow closer to the Lord so He may use me for His glory through His power.
If the Lord calls me to speak to someone I do. If the Lord calls me to a place to serve I do. But if He does not I do not move. I have taken the Lord seriously. His word and His voice is the only thing I make a move on. So many people called me not a Christian because of the choices I have made in order to fully walk with the Lord. But what they don’t know is that I’ve heard that before. It was the first thing the enemy said to me the moment I decided to follow God fully at the age of 17. So that line was old news and just another cheap shot from Satan whom I have known my whole life. And who is he? He knows me not. What do you have to do with me serpent? Nothing at all. I believe this is the fear of many Christians. That when they take God seriously they will be made fun of, kicked out of the “Christian Club” then labeled as odd, weird or down right unsaved.
But lovely ones..
Did not the Lord tell you that’s exactly what will happen? “If they hated me they will hate you also.” He was talking about the world and the religious people. Why did they hate Jesus? Because He took God seriously. He refused to play politics and He refused to compromise. He refused to follow the religious leader’s doctrine and He refused to sit quietly while doing it. If you love the Lord lay down everything you think you know. As matter of fact believe that you know nothing and see what the Lord will show you.
Taking God seriously or submitting unto the Lord is the next greatest step after receiving salvation. It can be the reason why you have not seen the miracles of God in your life. It can be why you have never heard the voice of the Lord. It can be why you have not known Him as protector, provider, healer, deliverer, friend, father, savior, life-giver. You can miss out on not just a few of those things but ALL of those things and more! Submission is key. Taking Him seriously is key.
The falling away is great. The children of God walking away and falling into the traps of lies, witchcraft and paganism is major. If this scares you it should because we are in the end. Get back to the word and stay there for your sake. There is no time to one day be close to the Lord. No time to one day follow Him fully. The time is NOW. While the Light is still here take God seriously!
I have this thing about windows. All my life I have grown up looking out of them. Dreaming hoping and wondering about the world beyond them. They have been a place to cry, to think, to pray, to dream of my future. I remember having a very hard time envisioning my future. I had so many things I wanted to do with my life and the first was to escape the house I was in. But then what? What was the plan after I ran away? Was there more to life than just survival? All I knew was how to stay alive and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to on the streets.
I never really thought there was much for me beyond just staying alive and loving God. I told God when I was a teen that if His love was all that I had that would be enough for me. If I suffered my entire life and knew He loved me I could survive. It was His love that kept me alive all those years and it would be His love that would continue to do so. But my “plan” was not His plan at all.
I may have thought I was born to suffer but I always knew I was meant to do something powerful one day. I just didn’t know how or what that was. And It didn’t matter at one point because I didn’t believe I could do it even if I figured it out. I could have never known the hell I would have to walk through would be apart of that call. Honestly if I would have known back then what was coming ahead in order for me to get to the place I am now, I would have ran full speed away from that path and onto the easier option. And who knows where that would have lead me?
For 8 years I have been on a journey leading to my destiny. And I can honestly say I have not reached my full potential in my character to step fully into the Call on my life. I am in a season of learning to submit my flesh to the Holy Spirit. To surrender my will and allow the Lord to guide me. I feel like I am going through things I already went through years ago. There are times where I get so annoyed and think “Seriously? Have I not already surrendered that to God?” In those moments I feel like I am wasting time on things that I should already have moved on from. But I am seeing that old wisdom can look different with new realities.
One of those things I’m struggling with questioning if what I am doing is God’s will when I have been told time and time again it is by Him. I have seen what happens when I give just a piece of this thing away. The Glory for Him that comes from it. It is undeniable. I worry that the Lord will get tired of my questioning and doubting. But I am so glad He is patient with me because I need a lot of pushing right now.
I am really needing reminders of why I am doing the things I am doing. And God knows exactly what I need before I do.
As I was watching my husband ‘s and I’s favorite show “The Flash” one of the Characters said something that sparked life into me. She said;
“You know what makes a great speedster? It isn’t their speed. It’s being the light that everyone needs when the world goes dark. It’s the kind of person they are. The kind of person that always wants to help. ”
That reminded me before I even knew me He knew me. And this call was placed on the inside me. It’s apart of who I am not some thing I just picked up on the side of the road one day. I have been walking toward this for 8 years through the guiding of the Holy Spirit. So now I am in the season of praying for the courage to continue forth.
It takes courage to stand and speak when you don’t think anyone is listening. To leave everything and everyone you know in order to follow Jesus fully. It takes courage to walk where no one else is walking. It takes courage to stand in the gap and when the heavens ask “Who will go forth” you say “Here I am. I will Lord.” He is working on me even in the toughest times.
And even when I want to give up for no apparent reason He is faithful to bring people across my path to get me moving and keep me walking forward. So here I am Lord. Arms open giving you my life so I may keep it! There is no peace without you and you are everything I will ever need. May all those who seek truth find it through me pointing them directly to You. The King of Kings and God of all. El Shaddai may YOU be glorified forever. Amen.
Do you feel the same? If so know I get it. It can be hard when you know you hold something powerful but don’t know how or when you will release it to those who need it. On the road you grow weary, confused, doubtful, fearful and insecure. But none of that will change this fact:
You were made for such a time as this and He is so much more than all of this. You were born with those gifts rather you use them or not. But He will guide all things for His Glory. All you have to do is say:
When I was a teen I wore make up daily. I always went for a good eyeliner , masacara and every once in awhile a fun eye shadow. As I have gotten older and my skin has changed (thanks to my pregnancies) things have changed for me quite a bit.
My struggles:
My skin tone is one of the hardest to match. Also I’m much lighter in the winter and much darker in the summer.
Most make up irritates my skin or is way too heavy on my skin. Because of this I can’t use powder and only use liquid. But liquid make up is harder to find in my skin tone.
Mascara can break out my eyes. I have small thin lashes so everything always clumps way too much!
My lips. Oh my! They are full and round so only certian colors don’t make me look like a clown and match perfectly with the color of my skin. Gloss makes them look twice as big and when you mix gloss with color well then my lips transform into balloons.
So as you can see this is one of the reason I am not a fan of make up. It takes alot of work just to find what works for me and well I’ve wasted alot money over the years. And there has been plenty of make up thrown in the trash. Whats the point of keeping it when it doesn’t work?
It’s been 6 years since my last make up haul from Sephora and Mary Kay. It was the month of my wedding and I wanted to splurge. Now after my 6th baby I am in need of another one. Just to treat myself. After all no one and I mean no one should be wearing make up thats 6 years old… No wonder my face started breaking out. Huhhhh.
I am normally a Covergirl… girl. But I thought I should try something different for once. And my last purchase of foundation was through Mary Kay (way over priced by the way) and I just was not interested in paying for something I knew I would not use often. Eventually I will have to replace my make up once again. One day ……down by the river in a van… I was reading my Redbook magazine and I came across this new foundation by Maybaline New York: Fit Me! Matte +Poreless. So I decided to check it out.
What I love about this foundation.
♥♥ For one it matches my skin tone PERFECTLY. It’s Matte, which means I wont look super shiny! I am sure shine looks good on some of yall but it just makes me look greasy. Gross. So I love the matte. It looks more natural on me as well. Which is always my main goal. The foundation doesn’t irritate my skin and when dry, does not rub off so easily. No stains on me! Yay. So make sure you have some kind of make up removal wipes to clean it off well. It is also thin. So you can easily add more without feeling weighed down. Honestly a thin layer is good enough for me but I have put it on thicker and it has even more coverage without feeling thick. My skin is still able to breath!
This one is a keeper! As long as they keep making it. I will keep buying it!
For my lips I figured why not try another matte? I saw this also in my Redbook mag and went to hunt down a color that was right for me. I always look great in a soft pink. What I love about this Melting Pout Matte:
♥ It’s light weight, thin and the color is on point. But oh snap! I have one small compliant, it is D.R.Y. I tried but a base of chap stick on then applying this but that made it a weird texture. So then I tried to mix it with my Covergirl Fruit Spritzer (which is ancient they don’t even sell them anymore), and that changed the color and took away that matte finish.
I love the Matte look but I will be shopping for another one because this one is way too dry.
As I mentioned above I have been through different types of masacara because of breaking out. So I was a little worried when trying a new one. I did a ton of research reading reviews on different ones before making my choice. In the end I went again with Mabaline New York and picked up their Lash Sensational.
What I love about it:
♥ It plumps up my teeny tiny lashes, and it has not broken me out at all yet. It applies evenly with no clumps. BUT its a little thick and this is the first mascara that I have ever had to fan my eyes to get it to dry quickly. I think I am going to stick with Maybaline though since it’s the first mascara that has not broken me out. I will just be trying different ones to find my absolute favorite.
All in all I still loved the way everything looked on me and have worn this easy make up look countless times in the last month.
This was my first make up review guys!!!! I hope you liked it. I will probably doing another one in the future since I wasn’t a 100% in love with the lip matte and mascara. And I still have to hunt down a good eye shadow palette. More beauty posts to come so stay tuned!
I want to share with you a few paragraphs from the book ‘The Marriage Builder” I think It’s important to put these before I move on and show you the example of these truths in my own marriage and what God has done with us in knowing them.
“In explaining Spirit Oneness, my primary focus is on each partners individual relationship with God and how that spiritual relationship reaches into a person’s needs for security and significance.
“..if the foundation of Spirit Oneness is mutual dependence on the Lord for personal needs, then the foundation of Soul Oneness is a mutual commitment to minister to one another’s personal needs.”
Although my husband and I are not responsible to supply things to each other to make us feel significant or make us feel secure, we do have a responsibility to each other in helping one another by giving and ministering to each other the love of Christ.
A few years after my marriage and before this book came across my path the Lord spoke to me about who Eve was. He said to me “Eve was not created for the pleasure of Adam. She was not created to fill voids in Adams life. She was not created to be his servant. She was not created to change Adam or to help him in His relationship with God. Or make him a better man. She was created to be apart of Adam. To uplift Adam. To help him. To support him. To partner with him. To create with him. To walk with him all the days of his life.”
I could understand this only to a small degree. The Lord was showing me that as I women and a wife you are not your husband’s keeper and he is not yours. But for the first time ever I understood who I was as his wife. When we started reading this book I understood even more. That in order to be one with my husband I must minister to him as his wife. Not worship him, not even submit to him, but to minister to him. What would that look like?
My husband works in the world sometimes all day. There are times he comes home more spiritually exhausted than physically or mentally. As soon as I notice it I make sure I remind him of what our Father has told us. Where He is taking us and what the word says about un-godly people. I am ready at anytime ready to minister truth to my husbands weary heart.
Sometimes my husband struggles with insecurity. He has dreams that God has placed in his heart and he sometimes feels inadequate to do them or feels like he wants to give up. I am ready to sow love and encouragement in him. Reminding him that God is the author and finisher of our lives and that His will for him will come to pass in His timing. To keep the faith and know that it will be through Him that theses things are accomplished. I always want my husband to know how proud I am of him and how far he’s gotten. I point out how much he has already done and the progress he has already made, proof of God’s provision and will.
To be one with our spouses we must be ready to minister to them even when we are not happy with one another. This is by far the hardest part of soul oneness. When things are not going well it is easy to leave ministry and step into manipulation. All of a sudden when your feelings are crushed you withdraw and refuse to speak to your spouse until you get an apology. You withhold sex from him or her because your don’t like how they have been treating you recently,.You put them in the “dog house” and send them to the couch to sleep. You refuse to allow them back in your bed until they are ready to comply. You withhold telling the truth about your feelings afraid of being hurt and let down.
All of these things are manipulation tactics. But we don’t see them that way because the world has taught us it is normal, acceptable or okay. And while its okay once again to draw boundaries, we are not to use the law of boundaries to control or punish one another. God calls us to be of the Word and not of the World. He call us to love like Christ loves the Church and to respect and honor each other. Nothing against Paul but these two scriptures in Ephesians should go for both sexes and not just penned to the individual ones:
“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.”
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
One day while we were heading out to go shopping I was highly upset with my husband. To control my reactions I become very silent. I shut my mouth when I’m hurting because I am a feisty little women and my mouth gets me into trouble. As I was praying on the way to the mall asking God to heal my heart and forgive me, the Lord spoke to me when I asked Him what to do about the situation. He said “Love as Christ loves the Church” He said it to my 5 times. So I looked over at my husband and apologized and forgave him as well. I chucked what he did as far as the east was from the west and moved on. This is the art of ministry in our marriages that creates Soul Oneness.
The more you sow into Soul oneness with your spouse the more your hearts will change toward one another. You may be the only one doing the sowing but remember that every seed will come to life. But what seed are you sowing? The law of sowing in reaping is inevitable. So try to start habits of sowing through ministry and not manipulation. Of course there is SO much more in the book, so again I will put it down below. Share with other couples you know even if they aren’t struggling. We all need these truths in our marriages and it’s best to know them now than too late.
At the age of 23 years old I walked down the aisle for the second time. For two and a half years I prepared myself to become a wife for the first time. In my last marriage I never got a chance to be a wife. I was too busy being the wife and the husband. I had to lead my marriage and our lives which was not the will of God. But my husband refused to have a relationship with God and lead our marriage. When your out of alignment in your marriage all heck breaks loose. Eventually came infidelity on my part and then divorce later.
I read so many marriage books, searched the Word of God, worked on my heart with the Lord and sought out advice from older married women. But talking to them only confused me more when I was hoping for wisdom. I picked up Joyce Meyers book on marriage and for months I cuddled up on my couch devouring and highlighting every sentence that I felt spoke to me. I was on a mission to preparing myself to becoming a wife by doing pre martial counseling, growing closer to God, and seeking wisdom. But even after all of that I still years later had no idea what I was doing and was afraid I had once again failed.
One day my husband and I met up for lunch on his lunch break. Our daughter loved any chance she got to see him randomly in the middle of the day. We got into an argument over something stupid and that led to harsh words and my heart breaking for the first time in our marriage. As I was driving home listening to Air1 radio a song came on reminding me that when God ordains something He has a will and plan for it. In His time and in His way He takes care of it. I began to weep. So loudly I am sure the people who were driving next to me could hear me through my rolled down window but I didn’t care. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. I said out loud through my choking tears “Lord I do not know what you’re going to do but I trust you know better than me. And you have a plan.” I was barely married and the year-long honeymoon phase passed so quickly. I was trying so hard to be a good wife and mother. But I felt utterly useless. I didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes.
I knew that my now husband was my soul mate sent from God. After I surrendered fully to Him and letting Him become my focus I met my husband 6 months later at two months before my 21st birthday. But a year after we married, I had caught religion and I had forgotten who brought me to this marriage and who sent me to where I am. Because that’s what religion does. It traps you into forgetting the truth and you start accepting what is false about God. But in that moment, in my weakness, my will power failed me and I broke submitting myself to God seeking Him for truth. After asking ministers at the church I was attending to help us and counsel us only to be ignored and told no, I broke down and prayed again. I remember saying “Lord. You have given me the greatest counselor. If I cannot find anyone to counsel my husband and I will you please lead us to something that your Holy Spirit can counsel us in?” After all God knows our inner most thoughts and He created our hearts of Flesh.
Days later my husband comes home after his second job, walks straight into our room and loudly says “You need to get this book. It’s called The Marriage Builder. I was just listening to Focus on the Family on Star and they were talking about this book and I heard God tell me to get it!” I looked at him so surprised but instantly felt revelation spring forth in my heart. My husband had no idea I prayed that prayer but I knew that was God answering it through him. So the very next day I ordered two books offline and we began reading it as soon as it came. I want to share with you the one truth in that book that changed my marriage forever and made a huge difference in how we see each other today.
Spirit Oneness
Spirit oneness is normally confused with soul oneness. For a long time people, even me, have heard that we are one in the spirit with out spouses. But that is not so. We connect with our spouses in spiritual ways but we cannot be one in the spirit with them. Spiritual oneness is only for you and God. When you are one with God spiritually you understand that all of your needs are met by Him. You are loved and can love because He loves you. And no matter what your spouse does or how he or she is towards you, you can have peace and rest in the fact that God sees you and knows what you need. He can supply your every need, emotionally, physically and spiritually even when your spouse cannot.
Feeling alone in your marriage? God promises to be there for you even if it’s two in the morning. Feeling let down and overlooked by your spouse? God sees all that you do and is your biggest cheerleader. If you listen He will tell you how proud He is of you and give you that sense of achievement. Feeling lack of intimacy in your marriage? Intimacy with God is the greater than any you will ever get from your spouse. Intimacy is not sex. Sex is just a product of intimacy which I would love to share with you also in a later post.
The reason why I had to understand this important truth was because when my needs as a wife or a person in general were not being met I would go into a pit of despair, anxiety, depression, and even resent my husband. We would fight like cats and dogs because anger would rise up in me when I felt disrespected and I would lash out in vengeance. When the lack of intimacy in my marriage was in my face evident, I would get depressed and withdraw from my husband and even sometimes my friends. When my husband would not see the hard work I did in the home and would honestly sometimes be insensitive, I would have anxiety attacks and would sometimes even attack him.
But when I understood this truth of spirit oneness with God, every time I felt let down, overlooked or disrespected by my husband I would run to my daddy. Under His pinions I would say “Father. My heart is hurting. Because Jim was so rude to me today. I reacted horribly though. Please heal my heart, help me forgive him, and help me to be a better wife.” Sometimes I would literally run right in the middle of an argument out of the room and into the safety of prayer. I ran to the nearest place I could be alone. On my porch in the summers, in my bathroom and bedroom in the winter and at night on the couch in my living room.
I sowed into my spiritual oneness with my Father by doing that. The more I did that the less I expected of my husband and the less I lashed out when I felt hurt. Now I truly could write a book about this very subject. That is why I had to break this up in two separate posts. Because on the other hand, we do have to understand what our boundaries and that is it just fine to defend those boundaries when our spouses are not respecting them. But both go hand in hand. We need to let go of high expectations of our spouses but also be able to stand up for ourselves correctly when hurt.
I would always tell my husband when he was being rude or not respecting my boundaries. But when I understood my husband’s lack of love and acceptance or attention does define if I am truly loved, accepted and seen, I was able to escape the trap of anxiety, depression and despair. And then I was able to forgive and move on truly never hoarding resentment towards him.
This helped my husband as well. But like me we are both still growing in this. We are always being met somewhere down the line with something we have to let go of and rely on God for. Or something in us that we need to change so that we are ministering spouses and not manipulating ones. When you grow up in an abusive home like we both did, your sense of boundaries and identity is messed up or none existent. That was something we had to both come to understand as well.
Check out the book if you can. There is even more than what I wrote about. It truly is a blessing to us we are actually still reading through it 3 years later. Yeah…. each chapter forced some serious issues out of us both that we had to give time to mature in before we moved on! I will write about Soul oneness in the next post.
My Father's Symphony 
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